Double-Mouthed Fish Pulled From Neb. Lake

Fisherman Pulls Double-Mouthed Rainbow Trout From Holmes Lake in Nebraska.

LINCOLN, Neb. Dec 21, 2005- This fish didn't have a chance. A rainbow trout pulled out of Holmes Lake last weekend had double the chance to get hooked: It had two mouths.

Found via Yahoo.


A Happy Little Christmas Story

Not long ago and far away, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip ... but there were problems everywhere.

Four of his elves had gotten sick, and the trainee elves didn't produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out ... heaven knows where to. More Stress!

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.

Totally frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he found the elves had hid the liquor and there was nothing to drink.

In his frustration, he dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor.

He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from. Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said: Where would you like me to put this tree fat man?

And this, dear reader, is how the little angel came to be on top of the Christmas tree.

How Blonde Was She?

She Was SO Blonde...

  • She thought a quarterback was a refund.
  • She thought General Motors was in the army.
  • She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
  • She thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.
  • At the bottom of an application where it says "Sign here:" she wrote "Sagittarius."

She Was SO Blonde...

  • She took the ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
  • She sent a fax with a stamp on it.
  • Under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics."

She Was SO Blonde...

  • She tripped over a cordless phone.
  • She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said "Concentrate."
  • She told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK."
  • She tried to put M&M's© in alphabetical order.

She Was SO Blonde...

  • She studied for a blood test.
  • She sold the car for gas money.
  • When she missed bus #44 she took bus #22 twice instead.
  • When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said, "Airport Left," she turned around and went home.

She Was SO Blonde...

  • When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
  • She thought if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.
  • She thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening.
  • She had a shirt th at said "TGIF," which she thought stood for "This Goes In Front."

...and the Favorite...She Was SO Blonde...

  • She thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.


Twenty-Two Groaners

  1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?

    Unique Up On It.

  2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?

    Tame Way, Unique Up On It.

  3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?

    They Take The Psycho Path.

  4. How Do You Get Holy Water?

    You Boil The Hell Out Of It.

  5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?


  6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?


  7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?

    A Stick.

  8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?

    Nacho Cheese.

  9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?

    Subordinate Clauses.

  10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?

    Quatro Sinko.

  11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?

    Spoiled Milk.

  12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?


  13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?

    A Nervous Wreck.

  14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?

    Anyone Can Roast Beef.

  15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?

    Right Where You Left Him.

  16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?

    Because They Have Big Fingers.

  17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?

    Because It Scares The Dog.

  18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?


  19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover?

    The Location Of The Dirt Bag.

  20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?

    Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.

  21. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?

    A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack-Dang! A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang!-Whack.

  22. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same?

    Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer.

Voices In My Head

Don't listen to all the voices in your head - only some of them.


Chicken Coupe

Why does a chicken coup have two doors?

Because if it had four it’d be a chicken sedan.


Confucius say:

Excited man walking sideways down airplane aisle is going to Bangkok.

Software Bug

Bug? Are you sure you didn't just make thousands of mistakes?

Chuck Norris

Here are some Chuck Norris facts. They are all true.

  1. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
  2. Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.
  3. Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
  4. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.
  5. Chuck Norris lives by only one rule: No Asian Chicks.
  6. The original theme song to the Transformers was actually Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise, and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.
  7. Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of beard. Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.
  8. Chuck Norris' girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS! and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, Don't fuck with Chuck! Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.
  9. Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, Bang!
  10. To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and acquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.
  11. When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, Don't worry about it honey, and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, Never question Chuck Norris.
  12. Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can accidentally beat the shit out of little kids.
  13. Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying booya.
  14. Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
  15. Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse every popped collar in sight. He then drank three kegs and shit on their floor, just because he's Chuck Norris.
  16. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
  17. Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you're thinking to yourself, That's impossible, I already lost my virginity., then you are dead wrong.
  18. In one episode of Fresh Prince of Bel Air, Chuck Norris replaced Carlton for one scene and nobody noticed.
  19. Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet, until Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked her into a glacier.
  20. Chuck Norris punched a woman in the vagina when she didn't give him exact change.
  21. Chuck Norris found out about Conan O'Brien's lever that shows clips from Walker: Texas Ranger and is working on a way to make it show clips of Norris having sex with Conan's wife.
  22. Chuck Norris has every copy of National Geographic in his basement. He also has the ability to lift every single one of them at once.
  23. Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is his way.
  24. When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.
  25. Takeru Kobayashi ate 50 and a half hotdogs in 12 minutes. Chuck Norris ate 12 Asian babies in 50 and a half minutes. Chuck Norris won.
  26. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
  27. Chuck Norris ruins the endings of Harry Potter books for children who just bought one for the hell of it. When they start crying Chuck Norris calmly says, I'll give you something to cry about, and roundhouse kicks them in the face.
  28. At the end of each week, Chuck Norris murders a dozen white people just to prove he isn't a racist.
  29. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

Two Peanuts...

Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted...

The Porsche and the Moped

A self-important young man goes out and buys the best car available, a 1998 Porsche 911 Turbo. It is one of the fastest and most expensive cars in the world. He takes it out for a spin and, while doing so, stops at a red light. An old man on a moped (both looking about 90 years old) pulls up next to him.

The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks, What kind of car ya' got there, sonny?

The young man replies, A 1998 Porsche 911 Turbo. They cost $100,000.

That's a lot of money, replies the old man. Why does it cost so much?

Because this car can do up to 180 miles an hour! states the young man proudly.

The moped driver asks, Can I take a look inside?

Sure, replies the owner.

So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his moped, the old man says, That's a pretty nice car, all right!

Just then the light changes, so the young guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 10 seconds the speedometer reads 120 MPH. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror that seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, whoosshhh! Something whips by him, going much faster!

What on earth could be going faster than my Porsche 911 Turbo? the young man asks himself. Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him. Whoooooosh! It goes by again, heading the opposite direction! And, it almost looked like the old man on the moped! Couldn't be, thinks the guy. How could a moped outrun a Porsche 911 Turbo?

Again, he sees a dot in his rear view mirror! Whooooosh-BLAMMM! It plows into the back of his car. The young man jumps out. It is the old man!!! Of course, both the moped and the old man are hurting for certain.

He runs up to the old man and says, You're hurt bad! Is there anything I can do for you?

The old man groans and replies, Yes. Unhook my suspenders from your side view mirror.


Things that Hallmark Cards Don't Say

My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat
When I looked at the tire...
I noticed your cat.


Heard your wife left you,
How upset you must be.
But don't fret about it...
She moved in with me.

Looking back over the years
that we've been together,
I can't help but wonder...
What the hell was I thinking?

Congratulations on your wedding day!
Too bad no one likes your husband!

How could two people as beautiful as you,
Have such an ugly baby?

I've always wanted to have
someone to hold,
someone to love.
After having met you ..
I've changed my mind.

I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.
I never believed in Hell until I met you.

As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...
That you're not here to ruin it for me.

Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go...
Would you like to take this knife out of my back?
You'll probably need it again.

Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!
(Available only in Tennessee, Kentucky & West Virginia)

Happy birthday! You look great for your age.
Almost Lifelike!

When we were together,
you always said you'd die for me.
Now that we've broken up,
I think it's time you kept your promise.

We have been friends for a very long time ..
let's say we stop?

I'm so miserable without you
it's almost like you're here.

Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
Did you ever find out who the father was?

Your friends and I wanted to do
something special for your birthday.
So we're having you put to sleep.

So your daughter's a hooker,
and it spoiled your day.
Look at the bright side,
it's really good pay