This was sent to me by Bryan F. back in May and I apparently forgot to post it until today. Weird. Anyway, the commentary on this one is that this is the reason never to take your husband shopping. I've seen it before actually posted as a list of funny suggestions to try next time you are stuck in a store, not a fictional letter but it's funny either way.
Dear Mrs. Schuemeyer,
Our store is considering banning your family from ever shopping with us unless your husband, Mr. Bill Schuemeyer, stops his antics. Below is a list of offenses over the past few months all verified by our surveillance cameras.
- June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.
- July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
- July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.
- July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in housewares ... and watched what happened.
- August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&Ms on lay away.
- September 14: Moved a 'Caution - Wet Floor' sign to a carpeted area.
- September 15: Set up a Tents in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.
- September 23: When a clerk asked if they can help him, he began to cry and askedWhy can't you people just leave me alone?
- October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, and picked his nose.
- November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.
- December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.
- December 6: In the auto department, practiced his "Madonna look" using different size funnels.
- December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse through, yelledPICK ME! PICK ME!
- December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumes the fetal position and screamsNO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!
- December 23: (And; last, but not least!) Went into a fitting room, shut the door and waited a while; then, yelled, very loudly,There is no toilet paper in here!