2009/12/08

Merry Christmas!


100_2243
Originally uploaded by joefowler3

Who says you can't use old office supplies around the holidays?

2009/11/30

Shit My Dad Says...

It's never the right time to have kids, but it's always the right time for screwing. God's not a dumbshit. He knows how it works.

2009/11/09

You Can Be the Man of Your House

The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, "You Can Be the Man of Your House!"

He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is law.. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert.

After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want. Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry, and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?

The wife replied, The damn funeral director would be my first guess!

Found via Facebook.

Ronald Reagan - Bedroom Disaster Area

Here is the text from an actual letter written to President Ronald Reagan by a 7th grade boy in 1984. It is hilarious and what is more touching is that President Reagan's response to the boy.

April 18, 1984

Dear Mr. President,

My name is Andy. I am a seventh grade student.

Today my mother declared my bedroom a disaster area. I would like to request federal funds to hire a crew to clean up my room. I am prepared to provide the initial funds if you will privide matching funds for this project.

I know you will be fair when you consider my request. I will be awaiting your reply.

Sincerely yours,
Andy


May 11, 1984

Dear Andy:

I'm sorry to be so late in answering your letter but, as you know, I've been in China and found your letter here upon my return.

Your application for disaster relief has been duly noted but I must point out one technical problem: the authority declaring the disaster is supposed to make the request. In this case, your mother.

However, setting that aside, I'll have to point out the larger problem of available funds. This has been a year of disasters: 539 hurricanes as of May 4th and several more since, numerous floods, forest fires, drought in Texas and a number of earthquakes. What I'm getting at is that funds are dangerously low.

May I make a suggestion? This Administration, believing that government has done many things that could better be done by volunteers at the local level, has sponsored a Private Sector Initiatives Program, calling upon people to practice voluntarism in the solving of a number of local problems.

Your situation appears to be a natural. I'm sure your mother was fully justified in proclaiming your room a disaster. Therefore, you are in an excellent position to launch another volunteer program to go along with the more than 3000 already underway in our nation. Congratulations.

Give my best regards to your mother.

Sincerely,
Ronald Reagan

Found via Facebook.

2009/10/29

Swine Flu Mortality


Swine Flu Mortality
Originally uploaded by Michæl.Paukner

This info graphic shows the immense threat of the Swine Flu compared to other manners of death.

Hasta-La-Vista :: (The Customer is) Not Always Right

Here is more proof that the customer is NOT always right.

Customer: Hey, you know them laptops over there? Do they come with the internet?

Me: They are internet capable and also have wi-fi.

Customer: So, I buy it and send it to the warehouse and they put the internet on it for me?

Me: You just need to select a company and purchase their internet services.

Customer: What? Then what the h*** is that Visto thing that comes on it? I need to buy two internets?

Me: No. Windows Vista is an operating system.

Customer: *blank stare*

Me: Getting the internet is kinda like getting cable television.

Customer:: Cable?

(The conversation only went downhill from there.)

2009/10/13

Picking a Fight is Fun

<a href="http://www.cmt.com/video/" title="Tom Mabe: Eavesdropping">Tom Mabe: Eavesdropping</a>

This video is called Tom Mabe: Eavesdropping. This was cross-posted to Mudhorny.com and Arconati Comedy Awards.

2009/08/06

Dog Attempts Suicide

Drbucket's b02cc11710f5__1249567442000 on flickr

b02cc11710f5__1249567442000
Originally uploaded by Drbucket

I walk downstairs only to find my dog going through depression resulting in attempted suicide.

2009/06/15

Blonde Paints a Porch

A blonde canvassed a wealthy neighborhood looking for odd jobs. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had anything for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"

"How about $50?"

The man agreed and told her the paint was in the garage. A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" he asked.

"Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.

"And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

Source

2009/05/29

LeVar Burton is Hotter...

Today we are going to learn about Levar Burton. Apparently, someone is a big fan.

Image and video hosting by TinyPic

2009/05/25

Over Four Hours

All I have to say in response to those Cialis and Viagra commercials is that if it does in fact last longer than four hours, I'm not calling a doctor... I'm calling a freakin' priest to have it certified as a miracle!

2009/05/14

Chicken Vs. Egg? Ask Twitter!


well this settles it
Originally uploaded by kyqu

Well, this settles it. Twitter is once again answering life's age old questions.

2009/05/11

Her Husband Bought a Mood Ring

My cousin Kathy posted this joke on her Facebook page. I'm not sure if it's a retelling of an old joke she heard or if it is true to her life. But it was funny either way.

My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring so he would be able to monitor my moods.. We have discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns green .. When I'm in a bad mood it leaves a big red mark on his fucking forehead.. Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.. LOL>

Ouch. But it was still funny.

2009/04/18

Kids Say the Darndest Things - ART LINKLETTER

It is really such obvious comic gold to just simply ask kids questions in a candid way and let them be funny. All Bill Cosby and Art Linkletter before him had to do was to simply get out of the way. Classic.

2009/04/03

Management Position Available

If you can't tell the difference between Solving Problems and Moving Problems Around,... You are hired!

2009/01/04

Strip Monopoly - LiveVideo.com

Hey guys. Invite the ladies over for a little game of Strip Monopoly. Just be careful you know what you are doing.

2009/01/03

Uncle Jay Explains - New Year 2008!

I'm in such a festive New Year mood now. Thanks to Linda K. for sending me this one from YouTube.