2006/03/31

The Farmer & the Donkey

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One day, a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway. It just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey. So, he decided to bury the donkey.

The farmer invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbd a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and criec horribly. Then slowly he quieted down till nothing more was heard.

A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well, and was astonished at what he saw. With every shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up.

As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a stup up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and trotted off!

The lesson? Life is going to shovel dirt on you --all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a stepping stone. We can get out of the deepest wells by not stopping, never giving up, shaking it off, and taking a step up!

Remember these five simple rules to be happy:

  1. Free your heart from hatred.
  2. Free your mind from worries.
  3. Live simply.
  4. Give more.
  5. Expect less.

Enough of that! The donkey later came back and bit the farmer that tried to bury him.

Moral of the Story: When you try to cover your ass, it always comes back to bite you.

2006/03/29

Public Service Message

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Found at Public Service Message.

2006/03/27

Real Ninjas

Have you ever seriously wondered what it would take to be a real Ninja? Me neither! However, just in case there is someone out there who really did want to know, then click the play button below.

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This video can be downloaded from AnimeMusicVideos.org - Real Ninjas.

Thanks to Jimmie for sending me this one. Original source: YouTube

2006/03/21

Hold My Beer [Source: Google Video]

I'm sure I'm not the first one to suggest this, but I am positive that there is something seriously wrong with our Brit' neighbors across the pond. I mean, who... who comes up with this stuff? *wink*

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Funny clip answering the question of multitasking in the washroom. Hold my beer comedy.

Why I Got Fired From Apple [Source: Google Video]

A former Apple customer service representative shows what he feels led to his dismissal.

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See the video here at Google Video.

2006/03/19

Anger Management

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialled it. A man answered, saying "Hello."

I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak to Robin Carter?" Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. It seems I had transposed the last two digits of her phone number. After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're an @$$hole!" and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word '@$$hole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer.

Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an @$$hole!" It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic '@$$hole' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?" He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone.

I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an @$$hole!"

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot. The idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his car window, so I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first @$$hole (by now I had his number on speed dial) I thought that I'd better call the BMW @$$hole, too. I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"

"Yes, it is."

"Can you tell me where I can see it?"

"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house, and the car's parked right out in front."

"What's your name?" I asked.

"My name is Don Hansen," he said.

"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

"I'm home every evening after five."

"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"

"Yes?"

"Don, you're an @$$hole." Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two @$$holes to call.

Then I came up with an idea. I called @$$hole #1. "Hello."

"You're an @$$hole!" (But I didn't hang up.)

"Are you still there?" he asked.

"Yeah," I said.

"Stop calling me," he screamed.

"Make me," I said.

"Who are you?" he asked.

"My name is Don Hansen."

"Yeah? Where do you live?"

"@$$hole, I live at 1802 West 34th Street, a yellow house, with my black Beamer parked in front."

He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."

I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, @$$hole." Then I called @$$hole #2.

"Hello?" he said.

"Hello, @$$hole," I said.

He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."

"You'll what?" I said.

"I'll kick your ass," he exclaimed.

I answered, "Well, @$$hole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now." Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 1802 West 34th Street, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover. Then I called Channel 13 News about the gang war going down on West 34th Street.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th street. There I saw two @$$holes beating the crap out of each other in front of six squad cars, a police helicopter and a news crew.

NOW I feel much better. Anger management really works.

Brides Who Will Probably Not Hyphenate

Wendt / Adaway

Brides Who Likely Won‘t Hyphenate - wendt-adaway

MacDonald / Berger

Brides Who Likely Won‘t Hyphenate - macdonald-berger

Pullen / Wood

Brides Who Likely Won‘t Hyphenate - pullen-wood

Wacker / Dailey

Brides Who Likely Won‘t Hyphenate - wacker-dailey

Peters / Rising

Brides Who Likely Won‘t Hyphenate - peters-rising

Weener / Whipple

Brides Who Likely Won‘t Hyphenate - weener-whipple

Filler / Quick

Brides Who Likely Won‘t Hyphenate - filler-quick

King / Woody

Brides Who Likely Won‘t Hyphenate - king-woody

Kuntz / Dick

Brides Who Likely Won‘t Hyphenate - kuntz-dick

Fillinger / Goode

Brides Who Likely Won‘t Hyphenate - fillinger-goode

Gowen / Geter

Brides Who Likely Won‘t Hyphenate - gowen-geter

Fears / Johnson

Brides Who Likely Won‘t Hyphenate - fears-johnson

Butts / McCracken

Brides Who Likely Won‘t Hyphenate - butts-mccracken

Busch / Graber

Brides Who Likely Won‘t Hyphenate - busch-graber

Drinkwine / Layer

Brides Who Likely Won‘t Hyphenate - drinkwine-layer

Dunnam / Favors

Brides Who Likely Won‘t Hyphenate - dunnam-favors

Aikin / Johnson

Brides Who Likely Won‘t Hyphenate - aikin-johnson

2006/03/17

No Parking Meter

They don't have parking meters in the mountains outside Salt Lake City, Utah; but they do have signs that advise you not to litter. Click on the pic to get the joke. ;->

No Littering

Source: Scripting.com

2006/03/15

Modern Version of the Birds & Bees

Submitted by Christian

A little boy goes to his father and asks, Daddy, how was I born?

The father answers patiently, Well son, I might as well tell you. I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!

Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail. We met a cyber-café. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mom agreed to download from my hard drivecomputer hard drive.

As soon as I was ready to upload, the father continued, We discovered that neither one of us had used a firewallfirewall. Since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said: You've Got Male!

2006/03/14

Pacman® Crop Circle

If you take a look at this, you can see Pacman® in a farmer's field in England.

Pac-man in Farmer's Field

I am sure that if I owned a farm I would immediately do something like this. PacMan Ghost

Source: Google Local

2006/03/06

FunnyBunch.com - Good Friend In Me

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Old Lady, Her Cat & Three Wishes

An old lady is rocking away the last of her days on her front porch, reflecting on her long life, when all of a sudden a fairy godmother appears in front of her and informs her that she will be granted three wishes.

Well, now, says the old lady, I guess I would like to be really rich.

POOF!

Her rocking chair turns to solid gold.

And, gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful princess.

POOF!

She turns into a beautiful young woman.

Your third wish? asked the fairy godmother. Just then the old woman's cat wanders across the porch in front of them.

Ooh -- can you change him into a handsome prince? she asks.

POOF!

There before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine.

She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak, he saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear.

I bet you're sorry you had me neutered.

The Rules According to Men

We always hear The Rules from the female side. Now here are The Rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note... these are all numbered '1' on purpose!

  1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
  1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
  1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
  1. Crying is blackmail.
  1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
  1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
  1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
  1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
  1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
  1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
  1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
  1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
  1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
  1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
  1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.
  1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
  1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
  1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
  1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
  1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really.
  1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.
  1. You have enough clothes.
  1. You have too many shoes.
  1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.
  1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that, it's like camping.

Pass this to as many men as you can to give them a laugh. Pass this to as many women as you can to give them a bigger laugh.