I have a fever and the only cure is more COWBELL!
In order to enjoy the following, you have to have heard Daft Punk's "Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger", which has a bizarre animated video released officially by the band. Apparently the song is one of those that inspire parody videos that get good attention on the internet. There are one or two animated flash parodies, but I think the best ones that I've just discovered are live versions where the repetitive lyrics are written on the skin. Confused? Try watching this...
The Notorious Cherry Bombs - It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chew Your Ass Out All Day Long
I don't normally like country music, but this one was too funny not to post a link to.
Music video by The Notorious Cherry Bombs performing It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chew Your Ass Out All Day Long with Rodney Crowell, Vince Gill
See the video on YouTube.com.
As ham sandwiches go, it was perfection. A thick slab of ham, a fresh bun, crisp lettuce and plenty of expensive, light brown, gourmet mustard.
The corners of my jaw aching in anticipation, I carried it to the table, picked it up with both hands but was stopped by my wife suddenly at my side.
Hold Jon (our six-week-old son) while I get myself a sandwich, she said.
I had him balanced between my left elbow and shoulder and was reaching again for the ham sandwich when I noticed a streak of mustard on my fingers.
I love mustard.
I had no napkin.
I licked it off.
It was not mustard.
No man ever put a baby down faster. It was the first and only time I have sprinted with my tongue protruding. With a washcloth in each hand I did the sort of routine shoeshine boys do, only I did it on my tongue.
Later (after she stopped crying from laughing so hard) my wife said,
Now you know why they call that mustard 'Poupon.'
I knew a blonde that was so stupid that...
- ..she called me to get my phone number.
- ..she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said "concentrate.".
- ..she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.
- ..she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
- ..she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
- ..she tried to drown a fish.
- ..she thought a quarterback was a refund.
- ..she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.
- ..she tripped over a cordless phone.
- ..she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
- ..she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.
- I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
- My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food... She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
- Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.
- She has an electric blender, electric toaster, electric bread maker. Then she said "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!" So what did I do? Bought her an electric chair.
- My wife drives the wrong way on a one way street. The cop pulled her over and asked, "Where are you going?" My wife said, "I must be late, everyone is all coming back!".
- She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
- She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" Following her down the street I yelled, "No, jump in!".
- If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
- How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
- Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
- Why is abbreviation such a long word?
- Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
- Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted.
- Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
- Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
- Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
- If a 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
- If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?
- If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?
- Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
- Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?
- You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
- Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
- Q: What do you call a man with half a brain?
- Q: What is the thinnest book in the world?
A: "What Men Know About Women."
- Q: How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One ... men will screw anything.
- Q: How does a man take a bubble bath?
A: He eats beans for dinner.
- Q: How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
A: We don't know .... it's never happened.
- Q: What is a man's idea of helping with the housework?
A: Lifting his leg so you can vacuum.
- Q: What's the difference between a man and E.T.?
A: E.T. phoned home.
- Q: What did God say after creating man?
A: I can do better.
- Q: What are the two reasons why men don't mind their own business?
A: 1. No mind. 2. No business.
- Q: How is a man like a snowstorm?
A: Because you don't know when it's coming, how many inches you'll get, and how long it'll stay.
- Q: Why is it so hard for women to find men who are sensitive, caring, and good looking?
A: Because those men already have boyfriends.
- Q: How do men sort their laundry?
A: "Filthy" and "Filthy but wearable.".
- Q: Husband: "I don't know why you wear a bra, you've go nothing to put in it.".
A: Wife: "You wear briefs, don't you?".
- Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.
- Your orgasms are real. Always.
- Your last name stays put.
- The garage is all yours.
- Wedding plans take care of themselves.
- You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid.
- Car mechanics tell you the truth.
- You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.
- Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
- Same work... more pay.
- Wrinkles-add character.
- You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.
- Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.
- If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
- People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
- New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
- One mood, ALL the damn time.
- Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds.
- A five-day vacation requires only 1 suitcase.
- You can open all your own jars.
- You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking "He must be mad at me.".
- No maxi-pads.
- If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends.
- You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.
- You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
- You are unable to see wrinkles in clothes.
- The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
- Your belly usually hides your big hips.
A little boy is in school working on his arithmetic. The teacher says,
Imagine there are 5 black birds sitting on a fence. You pick up your BB gun and shoot one. How many blackbirds are left?
The little boy thinks for a moment and says,
NONE! The teacher replies,
None, how do you figure that? The little boy says,
If I shoot one, all the other birds will fly away scared, leaving none on the fence. The teacher replies,
Hmm, not exactly, but I do like the way you think!
The little boy then says,
Teacher, let me ask you a question. There are 3 women sitting on a park bench eating ice cream cones. One is licking her cone, another is biting it and the third one is sucking it. How can you tell which one of the women is married?
The teacher ponders the question uncomfortably and then finally replies,
Well, I guess the one sucking her cone.
To which the little boy replies,
Actually, its the one with the wedding ring, but I do like the way YOU think!
- Play floppy disks backward, listening for the secret messages
- Brush up on their AJAX and/or PERL skills, just for fun
- Check into "The Betty" for a caffeine addiction
- Network every computer they've ever owned in their basement just because they can
- Debate who's a better captain... Kirk or Picard
- Pass out trying to move a pencil across the desk with "The Force"
- Stump the Circuit City salespeople with questions
- Simply ask themselves, "What would Yoda do in a situation like this?"
- Warcraft, duh
- What's Free Time?!
- Q: Did you hear about the new pirate movie?
A: It’s rated ARRRR!
- Q: Why is it rated ARRRR?
A: It showed too much booty.
- Q: How much did it cost to have the pirate’s ears pierced?
A: A buckaneer.
- Q: How much did the pirate pay for his hook and peg leg?
A: An arm and a leg.
I've seen different versions of this one, but they are always funny.
While going through his wife's dresser drawers, a farmer discovered three soybeans and an envelope containing $30 in cash. The farmer confronted his wife, and when asked about the curious items, she confessed:
Over the years, I haven't been completely faithful to you,she explained.When I did fool around, I put a soybean in the drawer to remind myself of my indiscretion.
The farmer admitted that he had not always been faithful either, and therefore, was inclined to forgive and forget her few moments of weakness.
I'm curious though,he said,Where did the thirty dollars come from?
Oh that,his wife replied,Well, when soybeans hit ten dollars a bushel, I sold out!
Get more random jokes from Comedy Central.
Update (2009-01-18): That video is down. But not out. Here it is again!
I recently discovered I CAN HAS CHEEZBURGER? described as
lolcats with tags for your convenience (also for ur lol*s). Yeah. I can't really explain it, except to say it's the funniest blog with cat pictures ever. Also, there's a walrus,.. er, lolrus.
Update (2008-02-23): This has become one of my favorite sites to check daily. I've added their link to the navigation column of this site.
This one is pretty funny and completely accurate. I mean, at least men have their priorities straight.
I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision. I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.
The usual signs... Phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says,Just some friends from work, you don't know them.
I always stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home, but she always walks down the drive. Although I can hear a car driving off, as if she has gotten out of the car round the corner. Why? Maybe she wasn't in a taxi?
I once picked her cell phone up just to see what time it was and she went berserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again and why was I checking up on her.
Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn’t want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her.
I decided I was going to park my Harley Davidson motorcycle next to the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the whole street when she came home. It was at that moment, crouching behind my Harley, that I noticed that the valve covers on my engine seemed to be leaking a little oil.
Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the dealer?
Read more stories like this at AskUgg!
The Pentagon announced today the formation of a new 500-man elite fighting unit called the United States Redneck Special Forces.
These Alabama, Arkansas, Georgia, Kentucky, Mississippi, Missouri, Oklahoma, Tennessee and Texas boys will be dropped off into Iraq and have been given only the following facts about terrorists:
- The season opened today.
- There is no limit.
- They taste just like chicken.
- They don't like beer, pickups, country music or Jesus.
- They are DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE for the death of Dale Earnhardt.
The Pentagon expects the problem in Iraq to be over by Friday.
Like this one? Visit Good joke: Winning the War in Iraq for more.
A store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates.
You may visit the store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch ... you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building! So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband..
- On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
- *Floor 1* - These men have jobs and love the Lord.
- The second floor sign reads:
- *Floor 2* - These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love kids.
- The third floor sign reads:
- *Floor 3* - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, and are extremely good looking.
Wow, she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
- She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:
- *Floor 4* - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework.
Oh mercy me, she exclaims,
I can hardly stand it!
- Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:
- *Floor 5* - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.
- She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:
- *Floor 6* - You are visitor 4,363,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Watch your step as you exit the building, and have a nice day!
Please send this to all men for a good laugh and to all the women who can handle the truth!
I know this one is a few months late, but I thought it was funny.
You know you are living in 2006 when...
- You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.
- You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
- You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
- You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
- Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.
- You pull up in your own driveway and use your cellphone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.
- Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.
- Leaving the house without your cellphone, which you didn't even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.
- You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.
- You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :-)
- You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
- Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.
- You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
- You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.
- And now you are laughing at yourself.
Go on, forward this to your friends. You know you want to!
Back in May of last year, I posted a comic parody about Macs versus PCs called CTRL + ALT + DEL "Nobody". It seems wrong that I looked back and realized that I never posted the original commercial that this was based off of.
Funny and effective marketing at it's finest.
Here's another one from Bryan Farr.
If you chip a nail while you're typing is that the same as biting your tongue when you're talking?
Heh. Bryan claims he only steals jokes from other people. My theory is that there really are no new jokes out there in the world. However, everyone latches on to certain jokes that match their personality and they refilter and retell them so they seem new. For instance, to my knowledge I've never heard this one, also from Bryan.
The Condom said to the Maxi Pad,Every month you screw up my job for a week!
The Maxi Pad turned to the Condom and said,Well, if you fail at your job I lose mine for 9 months, so we're even!
Groan... Thanks Bryan. Please send me more when they come to you.
My friend Bryan F. contributed the following crude joke over instant message last month. It's a little crass, but that's Bryan for you.
So, I'm watching the Animal Channel and they have this female alligator and they are talking about what female alligators do to attract a mate. The nice lady animal handler just said and I quote,It's quite a beautiful display. But if the male alligator doesn't like her, he will eat her.
That's strange. I thought that meant you like the girl, but I could be wrong. The animal handler had that look on her face people get when they say something they know will get taken out of context. My only thought was Sister, you'd better be glad I'm not doing the interview.
I think we are all glad that Bryan wasn't doing the interview. Check out more about Bryan at www.myspace.com/bryanfarr.
This one is awesome.
It was a friendship ... that became a rebel alliance. It's the greatest love story never told. A parody of the "Brokeback Mountain" trailer, starring C-3PO and R2-D2. Enjoy.
For a YouTube video, this one is rather longish at ten minutes and twenty seconds. However, having watched Scrubs on Comedy Central enough to be familiar with the characters doing the voice over, I found this one rather funny. My wife really loves the show and she found herself full of LOL while watching the following.
I also feel it an important time to note that as the generation who invented "LOL" and "ROTFLMAO" and "WFT?" I feel that the current young generation needs to let go and get your own abbreviations. And learn to spell.
Get to know Zach at MySpace.com / Zach Braff.
We heard this one on Bob & Tom this morning.
I've played this piece in symphonic band on the trombone. The low brass section is pretty much in the same boat as the cellos are in orchestra.
A comedian rants about how much it sucks to play Pachelbel's Canon in D on a cello. Recorded live at Penn State, this piece by comedian/musician Rob Paravonian has been a favorite on the Dr. Demento Show.
This video also came from YouTube.
This is for all those great engineers out there with professional determination.
It's the French Revolution and they're doing the usual beheadings. Today they're leading a priest, a drunkard and an engineer up to the guillotine. They ask the priest if he wants to face up or down when he meets his fate. The priest says that he would like to face up so he will be looking toward heaven when he dies. They raise the blade of the guillotine, release it, it comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his neck. They take this as divine intervention and release the priest.
Next the drunkard comes to the guillotine. He also decides to die face up hoping that he will be as fortunate as the priest. They raise the blade of the guillotine, release it. It comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his neck. So they release the drunkard as well.
The engineer is next. He too decides to die facing up. They raise the blade of the guillotine and suddenly the engineer saysHey, I see what your problem is.
Okay, that was a groaner but I couldn't help it.
Surprise! You are the lucky winner of random I.R.S Audit! Just type in your name and social security number. Please remember that leaving the room is punishable under law.
Please feel free to forward this to all your tax-evading friends. Have a nice day!
Talking dinosaurs, repetitious use of tri-color sprites and social commentary -- what more could you want?
Would you like these headlines for your site? Visit qwantz.com - dinosaur comics - web syndication. You can also copy the code text below.
For those upset about the immigration situation in this country, this joke will be likeable, but otherwise you will probably be offended. Being White & Nerdy, I was on the fence about it.
A Somali arrives in New York as a new immigrant to the United States. He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says,Thank you, Mr. American, for letting me in this country, and giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care, and free education!But the passer-by says,You are mistaken, I am Mexican.
The man goes on and encounters another passer-by.Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America!The person says,I no American, I Vietnamese.
The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and saysThank you for the wonderful America!That person puts up his hand and saysI am from Middle East, I am not an American!
He finally sees a nice lady and asks suspiciously,Are you an American?She says,No, I am from Russia!So he is puzzled, and asks her,Where are all the Americans?
The Russian lady looks at her watch, shrugs, and says,Probably at work!
Ohh, yeah that was a groaner. I apologize if anyone was offended.