Who says you can't use old office supplies around the holidays?
The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, "You Can Be the Man of Your House!"
He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced,
From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is law.. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert.
After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want. Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry, and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?
The wife replied,
The damn funeral director would be my first guess!
Found via Facebook.
Here is the text from an actual letter written to President Ronald Reagan by a 7th grade boy in 1984. It is hilarious and what is more touching is that President Reagan's response to the boy.
April 18, 1984
Dear Mr. President,
My name is Andy. I am a seventh grade student.
Today my mother declared my bedroom a disaster area. I would like to request federal funds to hire a crew to clean up my room. I am prepared to provide the initial funds if you will privide matching funds for this project.
I know you will be fair when you consider my request. I will be awaiting your reply.
May 11, 1984
I'm sorry to be so late in answering your letter but, as you know, I've been in China and found your letter here upon my return.
Your application for disaster relief has been duly noted but I must point out one technical problem: the authority declaring the disaster is supposed to make the request. In this case, your mother.
However, setting that aside, I'll have to point out the larger problem of available funds. This has been a year of disasters: 539 hurricanes as of May 4th and several more since, numerous floods, forest fires, drought in Texas and a number of earthquakes. What I'm getting at is that funds are dangerously low.
May I make a suggestion? This Administration, believing that government has done many things that could better be done by volunteers at the local level, has sponsored a Private Sector Initiatives Program, calling upon people to practice voluntarism in the solving of a number of local problems.
Your situation appears to be a natural. I'm sure your mother was fully justified in proclaiming your room a disaster. Therefore, you are in an excellent position to launch another volunteer program to go along with the more than 3000 already underway in our nation. Congratulations.
Give my best regards to your mother.
Found via Facebook.
Here is more proof that the customer is NOT always right.
Customer:Hey, you know them laptops over there? Do they come with the internet?
Me:They are internet capable and also have wi-fi.
Customer:So, I buy it and send it to the warehouse and they put the internet on it for me?
Me:You just need to select a company and purchase their internet services.
Customer:What? Then what the h*** is that Visto thing that comes on it? I need to buy two internets?
Me:No. Windows Vista is an operating system.
Customer: *blank stare*
Me:Getting the internet is kinda like getting cable television.
(The conversation only went downhill from there.)
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
"How about $50?"
The man agreed and told her the paint was in the garage. A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked.
"Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.
"And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
My cousin Kathy posted this joke on her Facebook page. I'm not sure if it's a retelling of an old joke she heard or if it is true to her life. But it was funny either way.
My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring so he would be able to monitor my moods.. We have discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns green .. When I'm in a bad mood it leaves a big red mark on his fucking forehead.. Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.. LOL>
Ouch. But it was still funny.