Now, our operation is small, but there's a lot of potential for "aggressive" expansion. So, which one of you fine gentlemen would like to join our team? Oh, there's only one spot open right now, so we're gonna have... Tryouts.
Make it fast.
My guess is that everyone with a joke to tell was waiting for the first pics from Mars and immediately jumped to their photo editor once the pics were available. This is my favorite, courtesy of The Oatmeal.
BREAKING:HIGH-RES PHOTO FROM CURIOSITY RELEASED twitter.com/Oatmeal/status…— Matthew Inman (@Oatmeal) August 6, 2012
This was simply too much of a time saver not to share it with you.
- Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.
- Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
- In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close the lid. You may need to stand on the lid.
- The cat will self-agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.
- Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a power-wash and rinse.
- Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.
- Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift the lid.
- The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.
- Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.
Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'racism' these days.
A customer asked,
In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage?
The clerk asks,
Are you Polish?
The guy, clearly offended, says,
Yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican? Or if I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?
The clerk says,
No, I probably wouldn't.
The guy says,
Because I asked for Polish sausage, why then did you ask me if I'm Polish?
The clerk replied,
Because you're in Home Depot.
During these serious and troubled times, people of all faiths should remember these four great religious truths:
- Muslims do not recognize Jews as God's Chosen People.
- Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
- Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian world.
- Baptists do not recognize each other at the liquor store.
A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan. She asked the class,
If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?
A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence,
I think I'd throw up...
Did Noah Fish?
A Sunday school teacher asked,
Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark ?
No, replied Johnny.
How could he, with just two worms?
The Lord Is My Shepherd
A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible - Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a month to learn the chapter. Little Rick was excited about the task - but he just couldn't remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line. On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Ricky was so nervous. When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly,
The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's all I need to know.
The preacher's 5 year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused and bowed his head for a moment before starting his sermon. One day, she asked him why.
Well, Honey, he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his messages.
I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon.
How come He doesn't answer it? she asked.
A Rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy,
So your mother says your prayers for you each night? That's very commendable. What does she say?
The little boy replied,
Thank God he's in bed!
All Men/All Girls
When my daughter, Kelli, said her bedtime prayers, she would bless every family member, every friend, and every animal (current and past). For several weeks, after we had finished the nightly prayer, Kelli would say,
And all girls. This soon became part of her nightly routine, to include this closing.
My curiosity got the best of me and I asked her,
Kelli, why do you always add the part about all girls?
Because everybody always finish their prayers by saying 'All Men'!
Say A Prayer
Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away.
Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer. said his mother.
I don't need to, the boy replied.
Of course, you do, his mother insisted.
We always say a prayer before eating at our house.
That's at our house. Johnny explained.
But this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook.