Want Some Poupon?

As ham sandwiches go, it was perfection. A thick slab of ham, a fresh bun, crisp lettuce and plenty of expensive, light brown, gourmet mustard.

The corners of my jaw aching in anticipation, I carried it to the table, picked it up with both hands but was stopped by my wife suddenly at my side. Hold Jon (our six-week-old son) while I get myself a sandwich, she said.

I had him balanced between my left elbow and shoulder and was reaching again for the ham sandwich when I noticed a streak of mustard on my fingers.

I love mustard.

I had no napkin.

I licked it off.

It was not mustard.

No man ever put a baby down faster. It was the first and only time I have sprinted with my tongue protruding. With a washcloth in each hand I did the sort of routine shoeshine boys do, only I did it on my tongue.

Later (after she stopped crying from laughing so hard) my wife said, Now you know why they call that mustard 'Poupon.'


Blonde One Liners...

I knew a blonde that was so stupid that...

  1. ..she called me to get my phone number.
  2. ..she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said "concentrate.".
  3. ..she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.
  4. ..she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
  5. ..she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
  6. ..she tried to drown a fish.
  7. ..she thought a quarterback was a refund.
  8. ..she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.
  9. ..she tripped over a cordless phone.
  10. ..she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
  11. ..she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.

About Wives

  1. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
  2. My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food... She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
  3. Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.
  4. She has an electric blender, electric toaster, electric bread maker. Then she said "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!" So what did I do? Bought her an electric chair.
  5. My wife drives the wrong way on a one way street. The cop pulled her over and asked, "Where are you going?" My wife said, "I must be late, everyone is all coming back!".
  6. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
  7. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" Following her down the street I yelled, "No, jump in!".

Some Major Funny Ifs

  1. If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
  2. How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
  3. Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
  4. Why is abbreviation such a long word?
  5. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
  6. Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted.
  7. Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
  8. Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
  9. Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
  10. If a 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
  11. If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?
  12. If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?
  13. Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
  14. Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?
  15. You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
  16. Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Some Funny Questions and Answers

  1. Q: What do you call a man with half a brain?
    A: Gifted.
  2. Q: What is the thinnest book in the world?
    A: "What Men Know About Women."
  3. Q: How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A: One ... men will screw anything.
  4. Q: How does a man take a bubble bath?
    A: He eats beans for dinner.
  5. Q: How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
    A: We don't know .... it's never happened.
  6. Q: What is a man's idea of helping with the housework?
    A: Lifting his leg so you can vacuum.
  7. Q: What's the difference between a man and E.T.?
    A: E.T. phoned home.
  8. Q: What did God say after creating man?
    A: I can do better.
  9. Q: What are the two reasons why men don't mind their own business?
    A: 1. No mind. 2. No business.
  10. Q: How is a man like a snowstorm?
    A: Because you don't know when it's coming, how many inches you'll get, and how long it'll stay.
  11. Q: Why is it so hard for women to find men who are sensitive, caring, and good looking?
    A: Because those men already have boyfriends.
  12. Q: How do men sort their laundry?
    A: "Filthy" and "Filthy but wearable.".
  13. Q: Husband: "I don't know why you wear a bra, you've go nothing to put in it.".
    A: Wife: "You wear briefs, don't you?".