This is so annoying. Get it stuck in your head today. Dancing Badger Badger Badger.com! The Original!
As ham sandwiches go, it was perfection. A thick slab of ham, a fresh bun, crisp lettuce and plenty of expensive, light brown, gourmet mustard.
The corners of my jaw aching in anticipation, I carried it to the table, picked it up with both hands but was stopped by my wife suddenly at my side.
Hold Jon (our six-week-old son) while I get myself a sandwich, she said.
I had him balanced between my left elbow and shoulder and was reaching again for the ham sandwich when I noticed a streak of mustard on my fingers.
I love mustard.
I had no napkin.
I licked it off.
It was not mustard.
No man ever put a baby down faster. It was the first and only time I have sprinted with my tongue protruding. With a washcloth in each hand I did the sort of routine shoeshine boys do, only I did it on my tongue.
Later (after she stopped crying from laughing so hard) my wife said,
Now you know why they call that mustard 'Poupon.'
I knew a blonde that was so stupid that...
- ..she called me to get my phone number.
- ..she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said "concentrate.".
- ..she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.
- ..she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
- ..she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
- ..she tried to drown a fish.
- ..she thought a quarterback was a refund.
- ..she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.
- ..she tripped over a cordless phone.
- ..she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
- ..she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.
- I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
- My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food... She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
- Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.
- She has an electric blender, electric toaster, electric bread maker. Then she said "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!" So what did I do? Bought her an electric chair.
- My wife drives the wrong way on a one way street. The cop pulled her over and asked, "Where are you going?" My wife said, "I must be late, everyone is all coming back!".
- She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
- She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" Following her down the street I yelled, "No, jump in!".
- If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
- How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
- Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
- Why is abbreviation such a long word?
- Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
- Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted.
- Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
- Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
- Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
- If a 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
- If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?
- If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?
- Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
- Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?
- You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
- Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
- Q: What do you call a man with half a brain?
- Q: What is the thinnest book in the world?
A: "What Men Know About Women."
- Q: How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One ... men will screw anything.
- Q: How does a man take a bubble bath?
A: He eats beans for dinner.
- Q: How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
A: We don't know .... it's never happened.
- Q: What is a man's idea of helping with the housework?
A: Lifting his leg so you can vacuum.
- Q: What's the difference between a man and E.T.?
A: E.T. phoned home.
- Q: What did God say after creating man?
A: I can do better.
- Q: What are the two reasons why men don't mind their own business?
A: 1. No mind. 2. No business.
- Q: How is a man like a snowstorm?
A: Because you don't know when it's coming, how many inches you'll get, and how long it'll stay.
- Q: Why is it so hard for women to find men who are sensitive, caring, and good looking?
A: Because those men already have boyfriends.
- Q: How do men sort their laundry?
A: "Filthy" and "Filthy but wearable.".
- Q: Husband: "I don't know why you wear a bra, you've go nothing to put in it.".
A: Wife: "You wear briefs, don't you?".