Shit My Dad Says...

It's never the right time to have kids, but it's always the right time for screwing. God's not a dumbshit. He knows how it works.

You Can Be the Man of Your House

The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, "You Can Be the Man of Your House!"

He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is law.. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert.

After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want. Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry, and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?

The wife replied, The damn funeral director would be my first guess!

Found via Facebook.

Ronald Reagan - Bedroom Disaster Area

Here is the text from an actual letter written to President Ronald Reagan by a 7^th grade boy in 1984. It is hilarious and what is more touching is that President Reagan's response to the boy.

April 18, 1984

Dear Mr. President,

My name is Andy. I am a seventh grade student.

Today my mother declared my bedroom a disaster area. I would like to request federal funds to hire a crew to clean up my room. I am prepared to provide the initial funds if you will privide matching funds for this project.

I know you will be fair when you consider my request. I will be awaiting your reply.

Sincerely yours,
Andy

---

May 11, 1984

Dear Andy:

I'm sorry to be so late in answering your letter but, as you know, I've been in China and found your letter here upon my return.

Your application for disaster relief has been duly noted but I must point out one technical problem: the authority declaring the disaster is supposed to make the request. In this case, your mother.

However, setting that aside, I'll have to point out the larger problem of available funds. This has been a year of disasters: 539 hurricanes as of May 4th and several more since, numerous floods, forest fires, drought in Texas and a number of earthquakes. What I'm getting at is that funds are dangerously low.

May I make a suggestion? This Administration, believing that government has done many things that could better be done by volunteers at the local level, has sponsored a Private Sector Initiatives Program, calling upon people to practice voluntarism in the solving of a number of local problems.

Your situation appears to be a natural. I'm sure your mother was fully justified in proclaiming your room a disaster. Therefore, you are in an excellent position to launch another volunteer program to go along with the more than 3000 already underway in our nation. Congratulations.

Give my best regards to your mother.

Sincerely,
Ronald Reagan

Found via Facebook.