Little Girl on a Plane

Thanks go to Matt Armfield for sending me this one. I've heard it before in a few variations, but an oldie is usually a goodie.

An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned to her and said, Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.

The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, What would you want to talk about?

Oh, I don't know, said the atheist. How about why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death? as he smiled smugly.

Okay, she said. Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?

The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, Hmmm, I have no idea.

To which the little girl replies, Do you really feel qualified to discuss God, Heaven and Hell, or life after death, when you don't know crap?

And then she went back to reading her book.

Wouldn't Joker Make The Worst Babysitter?

Now, our operation is small, but there's a lot of potential for "aggressive" expansion. So, which one of you fine gentlemen would like to join our team? Oh, there's only one spot open right now, so we're gonna have... Tryouts.

Make it fast.

High School Graduation Speech/Song - Rhett & Link

Commencement speeches are sometimes boring, sometimes memorable. This is one of the best.

How truly classic.

Go the F**k to Sleep

See the video of the kids book that's not really for kids, Go the F**k to Sleep read by Samuel L. Jackson.

Seriously, this one is not for kids at all. But it does capture the feeling and desperate attitude all parents go through at some point.

Ronald Reagan - Bedroom Disaster Area

Here is the text from an actual letter written to President Ronald Reagan by a 7^th grade boy in 1984. It is hilarious and what is more touching is that President Reagan's response to the boy.

April 18, 1984

Dear Mr. President,

My name is Andy. I am a seventh grade student.

Today my mother declared my bedroom a disaster area. I would like to request federal funds to hire a crew to clean up my room. I am prepared to provide the initial funds if you will privide matching funds for this project.

I know you will be fair when you consider my request. I will be awaiting your reply.

Sincerely yours,
Andy

---

May 11, 1984

Dear Andy:

I'm sorry to be so late in answering your letter but, as you know, I've been in China and found your letter here upon my return.

Your application for disaster relief has been duly noted but I must point out one technical problem: the authority declaring the disaster is supposed to make the request. In this case, your mother.

However, setting that aside, I'll have to point out the larger problem of available funds. This has been a year of disasters: 539 hurricanes as of May 4th and several more since, numerous floods, forest fires, drought in Texas and a number of earthquakes. What I'm getting at is that funds are dangerously low.

May I make a suggestion? This Administration, believing that government has done many things that could better be done by volunteers at the local level, has sponsored a Private Sector Initiatives Program, calling upon people to practice voluntarism in the solving of a number of local problems.

Your situation appears to be a natural. I'm sure your mother was fully justified in proclaiming your room a disaster. Therefore, you are in an excellent position to launch another volunteer program to go along with the more than 3000 already underway in our nation. Congratulations.

Give my best regards to your mother.

Sincerely,
Ronald Reagan

Found via Facebook.

Want Some Poupon?

As ham sandwiches go, it was perfection. A thick slab of ham, a fresh bun, crisp lettuce and plenty of expensive, light brown, gourmet mustard.

The corners of my jaw aching in anticipation, I carried it to the table, picked it up with both hands but was stopped by my wife suddenly at my side. Hold Jon (our six-week-old son) while I get myself a sandwich, she said.

I had him balanced between my left elbow and shoulder and was reaching again for the ham sandwich when I noticed a streak of mustard on my fingers.

I love mustard.

I had no napkin.

I licked it off.

It was not mustard.

No man ever put a baby down faster. It was the first and only time I have sprinted with my tongue protruding. With a washcloth in each hand I did the sort of routine shoeshine boys do, only I did it on my tongue.

Later (after she stopped crying from laughing so hard) my wife said, Now you know why they call that mustard 'Poupon.'

Arithmetic Lessons

A little boy is in school working on his arithmetic. The teacher says, Imagine there are 5 black birds sitting on a fence. You pick up your BB gun and shoot one. How many blackbirds are left?

The little boy thinks for a moment and says, NONE! The teacher replies, None, how do you figure that? The little boy says, If I shoot one, all the other birds will fly away scared, leaving none on the fence. The teacher replies, Hmm, not exactly, but I do like the way you think!

The little boy then says, Teacher, let me ask you a question. There are 3 women sitting on a park bench eating ice cream cones. One is licking her cone, another is biting it and the third one is sucking it. How can you tell which one of the women is married?

The teacher ponders the question uncomfortably and then finally replies, Well, I guess the one sucking her cone.

To which the little boy replies, Actually, its the one with the wedding ring, but I do like the way YOU think!

Baby Blues

Heather V. had saved these on my computer back in the day. Any parent can identify with these.