Jokes4All.net - Random Jokes

Army Rangers & Alligator Shoes

An Army Ranger was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana and he wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the Ranger shouted, maybe I'll just go out and get my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes made at a reasonable price!

The vendor said, By all means, be my guest. Maybe you will run into a couple of Marines who were in here earlier saying the same thing.

So the Ranger headed into the bayou that same day and a few hours later came upon two men standing waist deep in the water. He thought, those must be the two Marines the guy in town was talking about. Just then, the Ranger saw a tremendously long aligator swimming rapidly underwater towards one of the Marines.

Just as the aligator was about to attack, the Marine grabbed its neck with both hands and strangled it to death with very little effort. Then both Marines dragged it on shore and flipped it on its back. Laying nearby were several more of the creatures.

One of the Marines then exclaimed, Damn, this one doesn't have any shoes either!

Forward RE: Friendship

Thanks to Bryan F. for this one.

Are you tired of those sissy "friendship" poems that always sound good, but never actually come close to reality? Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship. You will see no cutesy little smiley faces on this card- just the stone cold truth of friendship.

• When you are sad -- I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.
• When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
• When you smile -- I will know you finally got laid.
• When you are scared -- I will rag on you about it every chance I get.
• When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whining.
• When you are confused -- I will use little words.
• When you are sick -- Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have.
• When you fall -- I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.

You should proceed to send this to 10 of your closest friends, then get depressed because you can only think of 4.

Friendship is like peeing your pants, everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth.

And always remember....when life hands you Lemons, ask for tequila and salt and call me over !!

Windows is Not a Virus - Jokes4all.net

No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses do:

• They replicate quickly. ... Okay, Windows does that.
• Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so. ... Okay, Windows does that.
• Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk. ... Okay, Windows does that too.
• Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. ... Sigh.. Windows does that, too.
• Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. ... Yup, Windows does that, too.
• Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences: Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.

So Windows is not a virus. ... It's a bug.