Double-Mouthed Fish Pulled From Neb. Lake

Fisherman Pulls Double-Mouthed Rainbow Trout From Holmes Lake in Nebraska.

LINCOLN, Neb. Dec 21, 2005- This fish didn't have a chance. A rainbow trout pulled out of Holmes Lake last weekend had double the chance to get hooked: It had two mouths.

Found via Yahoo.

A Happy Little Christmas Story

Not long ago and far away, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip ... but there were problems everywhere.

Four of his elves had gotten sick, and the trainee elves didn't produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out ... heaven knows where to. More Stress!

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.

Totally frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he found the elves had hid the liquor and there was nothing to drink.

In his frustration, he dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor.

He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from. Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said: Where would you like me to put this tree fat man?

And this, dear reader, is how the little angel came to be on top of the Christmas tree.

How Blonde Was She?

She Was SO Blonde...

• She thought a quarterback was a refund.
• She thought General Motors was in the army.
• She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
• She thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.
• At the bottom of an application where it says "Sign here:" she wrote "Sagittarius."

She Was SO Blonde...

• She took the ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
• She sent a fax with a stamp on it.
• Under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics."

She Was SO Blonde...

• She tripped over a cordless phone.
• She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said "Concentrate."
• She told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK."
• She tried to put M&M's© in alphabetical order.

She Was SO Blonde...

• She studied for a blood test.
• She sold the car for gas money.
• When she missed bus #44 she took bus #22 twice instead.
• When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said, "Airport Left," she turned around and went home.

She Was SO Blonde...

• When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
• She thought if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.
• She thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening.
• She had a shirt th at said "TGIF," which she thought stood for "This Goes In Front."

...and the Favorite...She Was SO Blonde...

• She thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.

Twenty-Two Groaners

1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?

   Unique Up On It.

2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?

   Tame Way, Unique Up On It.

3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?

   They Take The Psycho Path.

4. How Do You Get Holy Water?

   You Boil The Hell Out Of It.

5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?

   Dam!

6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?

   Polaroid's

7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?

   A Stick.

8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?

   Nacho Cheese.

9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?

   Subordinate Clauses.

10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?

    Quatro Sinko.

11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?

    Spoiled Milk.

12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?

    Frostbite.

13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?

    A Nervous Wreck.

14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?

    Anyone Can Roast Beef.

15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?

    Right Where You Left Him.

16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?

    Because They Have Big Fingers.

17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?

    Because It Scares The Dog.

18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?

    Sanka.

19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover?

    The Location Of The Dirt Bag.

20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?

    Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.

21. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?

    A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack-Dang! A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang!-Whack.

22. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same?

    Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer.