Getting on the Boob Train

What's the difference between women's breasts and model train sets?

Both of these were designed for children, but are played with more often by adult males.

Wine, Women and Song

When I was young, I spent all my worldly fortune on wine, women and song. And the rest I just wasted.

Blonde One Liners...

I knew a blonde that was so stupid that...

1. ..she called me to get my phone number.
2. ..she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said "concentrate.".
3. ..she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.
4. ..she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
5. ..she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
6. ..she tried to drown a fish.
7. ..she thought a quarterback was a refund.
8. ..she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.
9. ..she tripped over a cordless phone.
10. ..she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
11. ..she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.

About Wives

1. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
2. My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food... She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
3. Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.
4. She has an electric blender, electric toaster, electric bread maker. Then she said "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!" So what did I do? Bought her an electric chair.
5. My wife drives the wrong way on a one way street. The cop pulled her over and asked, "Where are you going?" My wife said, "I must be late, everyone is all coming back!".
6. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
7. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" Following her down the street I yelled, "No, jump in!".

Some Funny Questions and Answers

1. Q: What do you call a man with half a brain?
   A: Gifted.
2. Q: What is the thinnest book in the world?
   A: "What Men Know About Women."
3. Q: How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
   A: One ... men will screw anything.
4. Q: How does a man take a bubble bath?
   A: He eats beans for dinner.
5. Q: How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
   A: We don't know .... it's never happened.
6. Q: What is a man's idea of helping with the housework?
   A: Lifting his leg so you can vacuum.
7. Q: What's the difference between a man and E.T.?
   A: E.T. phoned home.
8. Q: What did God say after creating man?
   A: I can do better.
9. Q: What are the two reasons why men don't mind their own business?
   A: 1. No mind. 2. No business.
10. Q: How is a man like a snowstorm?
    A: Because you don't know when it's coming, how many inches you'll get, and how long it'll stay.
11. Q: Why is it so hard for women to find men who are sensitive, caring, and good looking?
    A: Because those men already have boyfriends.
12. Q: How do men sort their laundry?
    A: "Filthy" and "Filthy but wearable.".
13. Q: Husband: "I don't know why you wear a bra, you've go nothing to put in it.".
    A: Wife: "You wear briefs, don't you?".

Arithmetic Lessons

A little boy is in school working on his arithmetic. The teacher says, Imagine there are 5 black birds sitting on a fence. You pick up your BB gun and shoot one. How many blackbirds are left?

The little boy thinks for a moment and says, NONE! The teacher replies, None, how do you figure that? The little boy says, If I shoot one, all the other birds will fly away scared, leaving none on the fence. The teacher replies, Hmm, not exactly, but I do like the way you think!

The little boy then says, Teacher, let me ask you a question. There are 3 women sitting on a park bench eating ice cream cones. One is licking her cone, another is biting it and the third one is sucking it. How can you tell which one of the women is married?

The teacher ponders the question uncomfortably and then finally replies, Well, I guess the one sucking her cone.

To which the little boy replies, Actually, its the one with the wedding ring, but I do like the way YOU think!

Soybeans

I've seen different versions of this one, but they are always funny.

While going through his wife's dresser drawers, a farmer discovered three soybeans and an envelope containing $30 in cash. The farmer confronted his wife, and when asked about the curious items, she confessed:

Over the years, I haven't been completely faithful to you, she explained. When I did fool around, I put a soybean in the drawer to remind myself of my indiscretion.

The farmer admitted that he had not always been faithful either, and therefore, was inclined to forgive and forget her few moments of weakness.

I'm curious though, he said, Where did the thirty dollars come from?

Oh that, his wife replied, Well, when soybeans hit ten dollars a bushel, I sold out!

Get more random jokes from Comedy Central.

Husband Store

A store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates.

You may visit the store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch ... you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building! So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband..

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

*Floor 1* - These men have jobs and love the Lord.

The second floor sign reads:

*Floor 2* - These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love kids.

The third floor sign reads:

*Floor 3* - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, and are extremely good looking.

Wow, she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:

*Floor 4* - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework.

Oh mercy me, she exclaims, I can hardly stand it!

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:

*Floor 5* - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:

*Floor 6* - You are visitor 4,363,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Watch your step as you exit the building, and have a nice day!

Please send this to all men for a good laugh and to all the women who can handle the truth!

How To Shower - Men & Women

It's important to keep your whole physical hygiene in order, therefore watch this video and take notes.