Here are some jokes, that are not at the expense of other people's feelings...

@shaquirra3 #stitch ♬ original sound - shaquirra

Source: #stitch | with Music original sound - shaquirra.

Moving to Vegas

Husband and wife are having a fight. Woman marches up to their room and starts to pack her bags.

"Where are you going?" he asks.

"I'm moving to Vegas. i hear i can make $400 doing what i do for you for free"

Man starts to pack his bags too. "I'm coming with you. I've got to see how you're going to survive in Vegas on $800 a year.

Source: Reddit.

Prostitutes Priorities

I can't believe that you've been visiting prostitutes for sex, the wife screamed at her husband. I'm really disappointed.

You can hardly blame me, He answered. It's not like I was getting any from you.

Well, that's your own fault, she replied. You never told me you were willing to pay for it.

Source: Reddit.

Chinese Food to Go...

Thanks to Farrbe for this one.

• Chinese Food to go = $25.00
• Gas to get Chinese Food = $5.00
• Getting home and figuring out they forgot one of your containers.... Riceless!!

The Preacher's Son...a valuable lesson to learn

An old country preacher had a teenage son and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men his age, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do and he didn't seem too concerned about it.

One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects:

• A Bible
• A silver dollar
• A bottle of whiskey
• A Playboy magazine.

I'll just hide behind the Door, the old preacher said to himself. When he comes home from school today, I'll see which object he picks up.

If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a business man, and that would be okay, too. But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunken bum, and Lord, what a shame that would be. And worst of all if he picks up that magazine he's going to be a skirt-chasing womanizer.

The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's foot-steps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room. The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them. Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink, while he admired this month's centerfold.

Lord have mercy, the old Preacher disgustedly whispered. He's gonna run for Congress.

---

Found via Reddit. Thanks!

Interrupting Cow

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Interrupting cow.

Interrup--

MOO!

500 Pound Parakeet

What does a 500 pound parakeet say?
TWEEET!!

Happy Halloween!

Here's a Halloween joke for you. What do they call two spiders that just got married?

Newly Webbed

Want Some Poupon?

As ham sandwiches go, it was perfection. A thick slab of ham, a fresh bun, crisp lettuce and plenty of expensive, light brown, gourmet mustard.

The corners of my jaw aching in anticipation, I carried it to the table, picked it up with both hands but was stopped by my wife suddenly at my side. Hold Jon (our six-week-old son) while I get myself a sandwich, she said.

I had him balanced between my left elbow and shoulder and was reaching again for the ham sandwich when I noticed a streak of mustard on my fingers.

I love mustard.

I had no napkin.

I licked it off.

It was not mustard.

No man ever put a baby down faster. It was the first and only time I have sprinted with my tongue protruding. With a washcloth in each hand I did the sort of routine shoeshine boys do, only I did it on my tongue.

Later (after she stopped crying from laughing so hard) my wife said, Now you know why they call that mustard 'Poupon.'

Blonde One Liners...

I knew a blonde that was so stupid that...

1. ..she called me to get my phone number.
2. ..she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said "concentrate.".
3. ..she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.
4. ..she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
5. ..she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
6. ..she tried to drown a fish.
7. ..she thought a quarterback was a refund.
8. ..she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.
9. ..she tripped over a cordless phone.
10. ..she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
11. ..she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.

Some Major Funny Ifs

1. If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
2. How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
3. Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
4. Why is abbreviation such a long word?
5. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
6. Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted.
7. Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
8. Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
9. Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
10. If a 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
11. If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?
12. If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?
13. Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
14. Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?
15. You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
16. Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Arithmetic Lessons

A little boy is in school working on his arithmetic. The teacher says, Imagine there are 5 black birds sitting on a fence. You pick up your BB gun and shoot one. How many blackbirds are left?

The little boy thinks for a moment and says, NONE! The teacher replies, None, how do you figure that? The little boy says, If I shoot one, all the other birds will fly away scared, leaving none on the fence. The teacher replies, Hmm, not exactly, but I do like the way you think!

The little boy then says, Teacher, let me ask you a question. There are 3 women sitting on a park bench eating ice cream cones. One is licking her cone, another is biting it and the third one is sucking it. How can you tell which one of the women is married?

The teacher ponders the question uncomfortably and then finally replies, Well, I guess the one sucking her cone.

To which the little boy replies, Actually, its the one with the wedding ring, but I do like the way YOU think!

Soybeans

I've seen different versions of this one, but they are always funny.

While going through his wife's dresser drawers, a farmer discovered three soybeans and an envelope containing $30 in cash. The farmer confronted his wife, and when asked about the curious items, she confessed:

Over the years, I haven't been completely faithful to you, she explained. When I did fool around, I put a soybean in the drawer to remind myself of my indiscretion.

The farmer admitted that he had not always been faithful either, and therefore, was inclined to forgive and forget her few moments of weakness.

I'm curious though, he said, Where did the thirty dollars come from?

Oh that, his wife replied, Well, when soybeans hit ten dollars a bushel, I sold out!

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