Toothpase For Dinner

Self-proclaimed ...most addictive comic on the web.

toothpastefordinner.com

A Lot of Sadness In This World

There's a lot of sadness in the world. Right now, as you read this, 17 Million Americans are having sex. And you're on your damn computer.

White & Nerdy

Found that one funny?

How White and Nerdy Are You?

Even God Enjoys a Good Laugh

There are 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:

1. He called everyone brother.
2. He liked Gospel.
3. He couldn't get a fair trial.

But there are 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:

1. He went into His Father's business.
2. He lived at home until he was 33.
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his Mother was sure He was God.

And 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:

1. He talked with His hands.
2. He had wine with His meals.
3. He used olive oil.

Or that Jesus was from California:

1. He never cut His hair.
2. He walked around barefoot all the time.
3. He started a new religion.

Or that Jesus was an American Indian:

1. He was at peace with nature.
2. He ate a lot of fish.
3. He talked about the Great Spirit.

Or that Jesus was Irish:

1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.

But the most compelling evidence of all is that Jesus was a WOMAN:

1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food.
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it.
3. And even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was still work to do.

AMEN

5MB Hard Disk in 1956

Its a hard disk in 1956... The Volume and Size of 5MB memory storage in 1956. In September 1956 IBM launched the 305 RAMAC, the first computer with a hard disk drive (HDD). The HDD weighed over a ton and stored 5MB of data. Let us start appreciating your 4 GB jump drive!

Ringwraith's "Back in Black" by AC/DC

A Lawyer, a Rabbi and a Hindu Holy Man

A lawyer, a Rabbi and a Hindu holy man had car trouble in the countryside and asked to spend the night with a farmer. The farmer said There might be a problem; you see, I only have room for two to sleep, so one of you must sleep in the barn.

No problem, chimed the Rabbi, My people wandered in the desert for forty years, I am humble enough to sleep in the barn for an evening. With that he departed to the barn and the others bedded down for the night.

Moments later a knock was heard at the door; the farmer opened the door, there stood the Rabbi from the barn. What's wrong? asked the farmer.

The Rabbi replied, I am grateful to you, but I can't sleep in the barn. There is a pig in the barn and my faith believes that this is an unclean animal.

His Hindu friend agrees to swap places with him. But a few minutes later the same scene reoccurs. There is a knock on the door, What's wrong, now? the farmer asks.

The Hindu holy man replies, I too am grateful for your helping us out but there is a cow in the barn and in my country cows are considered sacred. I can't sleep on holy ground!

Well, that leaves only the lawyer to make the change. He grumbled and complained, but went out to the barn. Yep, you guessed it! Moments later there was another knock on the farmers door. Frustrated and tired, the farmer opens the door, and there stood the pig and the cow.

Star Wars - Adult Swim Parody

Cave Man - Google Video

Ask a Ninja

Have a question? Need advice? Ask a Ninja!

Survivor - The Eye of the Tiger - Smiley Face... - Google Video

This one is simple, silly and a classic.

This was a random idea (credited in the credits) and I just couldn't pass it up. Watch and be amazed as a big Smile sings the song Eye of the Tiger! -Kent Dodds

See it bigger at Survivor - The Eye of the Tiger - Smiley Face... - Google Video.

Blonde Secretary - Google Video

iMac Ancestry

The Apple iMac... where did it come from?

Hey, it's been out for a few years now. I guess I have to be the one to ask the tough questions.

Women Drivers

Time for everyone's favorite! A collection of sexist images purporting to show the problems with Women Drivers. Don't forget that the idea here is to make you laugh, not to offend.

And if you are wondering if my mother is proud of me ... well I surely hope she doesn't see this page. Sorry, mom.

OWNED!

The term 'owned' or more commonly 'pwned' is a internet geek term that refers to 'ownage' by one player or person of another. Put more simply, during multi-player video games it was used to describe not simply beating a player, but destroying the other player in an overtly embarassing way. The term has grown over into other areas, sometimes real life. Most notably popular and funny in this context is it's usage in videos or graphics. Regular or familiar images have the term "OWNED" splashed across them.

Did you learn your lesson, little boy?

Here is my favorite example, an animated .GIF image of a little toddler on America's Funniest Videos. The kid was probably playing a little too close to the cat and the cat (thankfully declawed I think) got tired of it.

Would you like to learn more about pwnage? Be sure to check out some of the following resources (warning, though, some of them are not suitable for mixed company).

• Birkoph.com - got owned?
• Urban Dictionary: owned
• Owned.com
• Owned on Wikipedia
• ROFL!!!1 - Owned

Winter Has Come

Here at the Arconati Comedy Site, we want to wish you a very enjoyable winter. So get up from your chair, turn off your computer and go outside and make yourself a creative snowman or two.

Efficiency Expert - What Not to Say

The efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution.

You don't want to try these techniques at home.

Why not? asked someone from the back of the audience.

Well, I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years, the expert explained. She made lots of trips to the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying just a single item at a time.

Hon, I suggested, Why don't you try carrying several things at once?

The voice from the back asked, Did it save time?

The expert replied, Actually, yes. It used to take her 20 minutes to get my breakfast ready. Now I do it in seven.

Hit the "ANY" Key?

For many years, one of the funniest computer-related puns has been that a prompt might ask the user to "Hit any key to continue". However, there is no key on the keyboard labeled "ANY" and computer noobs might be calling the technical support line asking for further assistance. It turns out that the Compaq computer company even has posted an FAQ file for it. Check it out at the COMPAQ Support Library. It was on Digg later too. How dumb is that?

Update: the Compaq website is broken, and potentially has been so for a long time. I guess they forgot to hit the right key to restart the server...

Mad Cow Disease

A female reporter was conducting an interview with a farmer about Mad Cow Disease. Mr. Brown, do you have any idea what might be the cause of the disease?

Sure. Do you know the bulls only screw the cows once a year?

Umm, sir, that is a new piece of information, but what's the relationship between this and Mad Cow?

And did you know we milk the cows twice a day?

Mr. Brown, that's interesting, but, what's the point?

Lady, the point is this: if I'm playing with your tits twice a day, but only screwing you once a year, wouldn't you go mad, too?

Star Wars Photo Caption: My Only Hope

Star Wars.com posts a weekly feature called Communications Disruption that uses file or fan submitted pictures. Users of the site are urged to submit their own funny captions for the image. This week's list of captions goes along with a woman in a Princess Leia costume at an ATM machine.

This ATM unit has a bad motivator! (The Stooge)

Our first cash of the day. (Sol Kassar)

My father will know how to retrieve it. (xwingblue4)

It's an older PIN code, but it checks out. I was going to give her cash. Should I hold it? (snowdog83)

What do you mean Republic Credits are no good here?! (Darth RAYder 327)

Help me Obi-Wan Kenobi, I'm completely broke. (Nosaj Eel)

Negative $13?? This is my most desperate hour. (Sol Kassar)

Leia keeps an eye out for scruffy looking nerf-herders. (rwinningham74)

Now we find out if those PIN numbers are worth the price we paid. (Manitsas)

Turns out Obi-Wan wasn't her only hope. (littlethree)

If you find this as funny as I do and you want to try your hand at this week's contest for captions, head over to StarWars.com | Photo Captions.

Single & the Twenty

A one dollar bill met a twenty dollar bill and said, Hey, where've you been? I haven't seen you around here much.

The twenty answered, I've been hanging out at the casinos, went on a cruise and did the rounds of the ship, back to the United States for a while, went to a couple of baseball games, to the mall, that kind of stuff. How about you?

The one dollar bill said, You know, same old stuff ... church, church, church.

Man Pees in a Shot Glass

This is a classic I had heard years ago. Thanks to ComedyCentral.com for resurrecting it for me.

A guy is in a bar with a bunch of his friends. After a while of shooting pool and drinking, he whispers something to his friends. A few minutes later he walks over to the bartender and asks for a shot of tequila. After he takes the shot he says to the bartender, I'd like to make a bet with you.

The bartender replies, Sure I'm in a betting mood. So the man bets the bartender $1,000 that he can pee in the shot glass placed all the way across the room and fill it up and not spill a drop. The bartender says, I'll take that bet.

So the man walks to the other side of the room and places the shot glass down. He goes back to the bartender and starts peeing. He doesn't even get a drop in. He pees all over the place; in the bartender's face, all over the barstools and everything.

After he was done peeing, the bartender laughed and said, You owe me $1,000. The man paid the money with a big smile on his face. The bartender asked, How come you're so happy?

The man replied, You see those five guys over there by the pool table? I bet them $300 each that I could piss all over your bar and you'd laugh about it.

Why You Should Never Take Your Husband Shopping

This was sent to me by Bryan F. back in May and I apparently forgot to post it until today. Weird. Anyway, the commentary on this one is that this is the reason never to take your husband shopping. I've seen it before actually posted as a list of funny suggestions to try next time you are stuck in a store, not a fictional letter but it's funny either way.

Dear Mrs. Schuemeyer,

Our store is considering banning your family from ever shopping with us unless your husband, Mr. Bill Schuemeyer, stops his antics. Below is a list of offenses over the past few months all verified by our surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in housewares ... and watched what happened.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&Ms on lay away.
6. September 14: Moved a 'Caution - Wet Floor' sign to a carpeted area.
7. September 15: Set up a Tents in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.
8. September 23: When a clerk asked if they can help him, he began to cry and asked Why can't you people just leave me alone?
9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, and picked his nose.
10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.
11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.
12. December 6: In the auto department, practiced his "Madonna look" using different size funnels.
13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse through, yelled PICK ME! PICK ME!
14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumes the fetal position and screams NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!
15. December 23: (And; last, but not least!) Went into a fitting room, shut the door and waited a while; then, yelled, very loudly, There is no toilet paper in here!

Greaser Babies

I want to thank my mom for sending me this one. Grease was on the television today as a coincidence, just as I opened the email with the link to this video.

View it full size at eUniverse.com - greaserbabies.swf (application/x-shockwave-flash Object).

Another Halloween Reminder

Here is another reminder that Halloween is right around the corner and we want to wish you a Happy Howling Halloween.

{tags: holidays/halloween, funny, images}.

Wandering Tree Frog

Comics on Google

Terror Alert Level - Aqua Teen Hunger Force

Terror Alert Level - Sesame Street

Tales From the Shire

Two hobbits walk into a bar where one of them picks up a barfly. They take her to a local motel; the first hobbit goes into the motel room while the other waits outside. Once the door closes, the hobbit on the outside hears strange noises through the door.

I can't do it, I can't do it, I CAN'T DO IT!

In the morning, the second hobbit asks the first, How did it go?

It was embarrassing. the first one answers, I simply couldn't do it.

The second hobbit shook his head. Manhood problems, eh?

No. I couldnt get on the bed!

View another Joke from Comedy Central at jokes.comedycentral.com.

E. Coli

I just heard the bad news from my Dad. It is with deep regret that I advise you of another e-coli victim.

To Wish You a Happy Halloween

I'd like to be the first to pass along a Happy Halloween from Bryan F., thanks!

Popular Mechanics ca 1954

Whenever anyone tries to sell you or convince you of the idea of what the future might look like, keep the below image in mind. It's from Popular Mechanics, supposed experts on technology.

In case the image caption is a little hard to read, here it is in full.

Scientists from the RAND Corporation have created this model to illustrate how a 'home computer' could look like in the year 2004. However the needed technology will not be economically feasible for the average home. Also the scientists readily admit that the computer will require not yet invented technology to actually work, but 50 years from now scientists progress is expected to solve these problems. With teletype interface and the Fortran language the computer will be easy to use.

Awesome. I can't wait.

Understanding Marketing - Joke of the Day

You see a fabulous girl/guy at a party. You approach them and say, "I'm fantastic in bed."

That's Direct Marketing.

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a fabulous girl/guy. You have one of your friends approach them, point at you and say, "She's/He's fantastic in bed."

That's Advertising.

You see a fabulous girl/guy at a party. You approach them to get their telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed."

That's Telemarketing.

You're at a party and see a fabulous girl/guy. You get up, straighten your clothes, walk up and pour them a drink. You open the door, pick up their bag after it drops, offer them a ride, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed."

That's Public Relations.

You're at a party and see a fabulous girl/guy. They walk up to you and say, "I hear you're fantastic in bed."

That's Brand Recognition.

Go ahead and laugh at Today's Joke of the Day - ComedyCentral.com.

Google

Google's Personalized Home Page now has tabs! This has opened up the capability for me to really expand into categories. On my comedy page, I now have many updated feeds and comics. Here they are as of today, though I have linked to some of them before.

• Comedy Central's Joke of the Day
• Office Pirates: New Stuff
• Daily Show Text Headlines
• Calvin and Hobbes (Unofficial)
• BBspot
• The Chimp-o-Matic
• The Good, Clean Funnies List
• Penny-Arcade
• Dinosaur Comics
• Dilbert
• Jokes - jokes4all.net

Ewok Song

I watched Craig Kilborn back in the day, but I must have missed this one. Genuinely funny, subdued and goofy.

Watch it on YouTube - EWOK SONG.

Microsoft's Support Office

This one is a great technical support joke.

A pilot is flying a small, single-engine, charter plane with a couple of really important executives on board into Seattle airport. There is fog so thick that visibility is 40 feet, and his instruments are out. He circles looking for a landmark and after an hour, he is low on fuel and his passengers are very nervous. At last, through a small opening in the fog he sees a tall building with one guy working alone on the fifth floor.

Circling, the pilot banks and shouts through his open window: Hey, where am I?.

The solitary office worker replies: You're in an airplane.

The pilot immediately executes a swift 275 degree turn and executes a perfect blind landing on the airport's runway five miles away. Just as the plane stops, the engines cough and die from lack of fuel. The stunned passengers ask the pilot how he did it.

Elementary, replies the pilot, I asked the guy in that building a simple question. The answer he gave me was 100% correct but absolutely useless; therefore, I knew that must be Microsoft's support office and from there the airport is three minutes away on a course of 87 degrees.

Three Duck Hunting Doctors

Three doctors are in the duck blind and a bird flies overhead. The general practitioner looks at it and says, Looks like a duck, flies like a duck ... it's probably a duck, shoots at it but misses and the bird flies away.

The next bird flies overhead, and the pathologist looks at it, then looks through the pages of a bird manual, and says, Hmmmm ... green wings, yellow bill, quacking sound ... might be a duck. He raises his gun to shoot it, but the bird is long gone.

A third bird flies over. The surgeon raises his gun and shoots almost without looking, brings the bird down, and turns to the pathologist and says, Go see if that was a duck.

Airplane Engine Failure

Q: If one engine fails, how far will the other one take us?

A: All the way to the scene of the crash.

NOBODY expects the Spanish Inquisition!

NOBODY expects the Spanish Inquisition! Our chief weapon is surprise... surprise and fear ...fear and surprise... Our two weapons are fear and surprise... and ruthless efficiency... Our three weapons are fear, surprise, and ruthless efficiency... and an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope... Our four... no... Amongst our weapons... Amongst our weaponry... are such elements as fear, surprise... I'll come in again.

Favorite UNIX/Windows Quotes

Bill Gates is a monocle and a Persian cat away from being the villain in a James Bond movie.
-- Dennis Miller

Did you know that if you play a Windows XP CD backwards, you will hear the voice of Satan?
That's nothing! If you play it forward, it'll install Windows XP.

Comics Online

Here are some great time wrecking comics that you can see online.

• Dork Tower
• Calvin & Hobbes
• Penny-Arcade
• Dilbert

Want more?

What If God Was One of Us?

This is one of those stories that is so cute, and so fitting, and yet it has to be fiction for no other reason than it is so cute and fitting.

A United States Soldier was attending some college courses between assignments. He had completed missions in Iraq and Afghanistan. One of the courses had a professor who was a vowed atheist and a member of the ACLU.

One day the professor shocked the class when he came in. He looked to the ceiling and flatly stated, God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I’ll give you exactly 15 minutes.

The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop. Ten minutes went by and the professor proclaimed, Here I am God. I’m still waiting.

It got down to the last couple of minutes when the Soldier got out of his chair, went up to the professor, and cold-cocked him knocking him off the platform. The professor was out cold. The Soldier went back to his seat and sat there, silently.

The other students were shocked and stunned and sat there looking on in silence. The professor eventually came to, noticeably shaken, looked at the Soldier and asked, What is the matter with you? Why did you do that?

The Soldier calmly replied, God was too busy today protecting America's soldiers who are protecting your right to say stupid stuff and act like a jerk. So, He sent me.

Do You Have A Strange Mind?

Thanks to Michelle S. for sending me this one. I've seen it before, but not in this much detail.

Interesting

Do you have a strange mind?

fi yuo cna raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid too Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55 plepoe can.

i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae

The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but The wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! if you can raed tihs forwrad it.

The text seems to suggest that it takes a special mind to read the above, but I think it is more universal. In other words, any idiot can do it. Anyhow, it's funny either way.

Fun of Having Boys

Thanks to Chris J. and his wife for submitting this one. I post it here for those of you who can appreciate the fun of having a boy. This is also for those of you who wonder why mothers of boys LOVE their grand-daughters. Isn't that right, mom?

Five Stages of a Female's Life

Here is another one submitted by Stacy N. via email. Thanks again Stacy! These are the Five Stages of a Woman's Life.

Stage #1: To Grow Up

Stage #2: To Fill Out

Stage #3: To Slim Down

Stage #4: To Hold It In

And finally...

Stage #5: To Hell With It